Pizza is killing your kids.

THAT is the somewhat sensationalized—but not inaccurate!—conclusion of a distinguished team of scientists who have published a new analysis of the garbage that kids these days are eating, probably as a result of bad parenting. These trained scientists named PIZZA PIE as one of the biggest culprits behind childhood obesity. Your insistence on allowing your children to consume fat and salt-laden "Stuft Crust" and other forms of pizza is directly contributing to America's rapid evolution into a nation that cannot cobble together enough physically fit young men to fight a decent foreign war of conquest. From the LA Times: